FIERCE FEATURES: Happily Ever After by Becky Pedigo

One morning, around the age of forty, I woke up, and my boyfriend of fourteen years 

said, "Honey, I have some bad news. I'm breaking up with you." So, I said, "Well, here's 

some more not-so-great news, you're fifty, and Bigfoot isn't real. Enjoy living with your parents."

I met Jack in my twenties at a show we were both doing at a comedy club in Los Angeles. It was 1995, amid the OJ trial madness, which doesn't matter except that we saw Marsha Clark, the lead prosecutor, at a bar later that night which was weird. She has super curly hair, by the way. After that, we made out in my car until the wee hours of the morning, which lead to us spending the next decade and a half of our lives together.

For the record, I don't usually make out with men I've just met. Okay, sure, a couple or three times, but a lady can't allow such behavior to become a habit. However, it could not be helped because he was charming, funny, and handsome with big blue eyes. So, it would have been rude not to.

It was at the bar that evening when he revealed his interest in Sasquatch. And, it wasn't the "Isn't that intriguing, but we can talk about something else now if you'd like." type of interest either; it was the "this is going to monopolize your entire life, so his baby blues better be worth it, sister." kind of interest.

At least he told me about it upfront, so I knew what I was getting into. One time I went out with a guy for about a month before he casually mentioned an assault charge for hitting his ex-girlfriend, but it wasn't his fault because he was coked up, which is information that would have been useful earlier.

Jack wasn't some wing-nut bigfoot hunter that lived in a mud hut off the grid. He was from a good family in The Valley, had two degrees, was incredibly intelligent, and never lost at Trivial Pursuit, so people always accused him of cheating. If you consider education cheating, then yes, he was indeed a cheater.

At times, he and his intelligence could be pretty insulting. He once asked if I'd ever heard of carbon dioxide and if I knew what a pine needle was. "Yeah, it's a needle from a pine tree, jackass. Got it." "And as for carbon dioxide, that is the last thing you will inhale if I decide to hold a pillow over your face in the night."

There is way more involved than one might assume when dating someone who believes in mythical creatures or aliens. The big thing is knowing how to tell your family and friends so that it doesn't make them sound insane and keeps your parents from thinking you're in a cult and then hiring someone to kidnap and deprogram you.
Also, there are lots of sleeping out of doors with the fear of being ripped to shreds by a bear while you pee in the woods. There are cameras that need to be hung in trees in hopes of capturing an image of the elusive beast crossing a stream or molesting a hiker. Grainy videotapes to watch repeatedly until you pretend to see what he sees. Stories to feign interest in. Random hair analyses. Animal scat to identify. Scat means poop, if you didn't know. Plus, all kinds of books, keychains, posters, statues of hairy beasts, and giant plaster cast footprints in your house that have to be discreetly placed so that normal people don't notice, but where your partner can still gaze at them longingly and feel safe.

Our first romantic getaway together was at the hill. "The Hill," as it was sacredly referred to, is located somewhere in Northern California, and it is where Jack believes that he had an encounter with Bigfoot. It's strange, but I've never been able to remember exactly where it is despite our numerous visits. My mother once told me that women forget the pain of childbirth; otherwise, they'd never do it again. That may apply to this.

The hill was called a hill because it wasn't as big as a mountain, but it was pretty freaking close, and we didn't just drive by and look at it. Nope, we climbed it in the rain. Sometimes on all fours through the dirt and the mud and the muck. Don't get me wrong, I'm a scrappy Texas chick who can roll around in filth with the best of them, but after a certain age, you'd kind of just rather not.

But I was a kid then and madly in love which is a tragic combo. Because you make allowances and do things when you're young and are head over heels to please the other person and be supportive, that's lovely. Still, it sets a tone in a relationship that's hard to change once you've grown weary of always being a good sport and would prefer not to sleep on the ground when you have a California King and only one week a month at home. But you do it because you feel guilty that you've been on the road telling jokes trying to make a living. Even though that wouldn't be an issue if you were a man, it would just be your career and perfectly okay. But it's not because you're a woman, who he doesn't think is that funny anyway (not in his top 10 favorites - that's a quote), despite the fact you have a Comedy Central special, and he does not. And society says you have to be a nice girl and please everybody, so, once again, you sleep on the ground.

Then one day, you're thirty-seven and say to yourself, "Fuck the ground and double fuck society." And to him, you say, "Go have fun, and I'll be here when you get home." Which doesn't sit well once the tone has been set. So at some point, you'll wake up, and your boyfriend will say he has bad news. And, it'll be sad until it isn't. Trust that the sun will continue to shine and the stars to twinkle, and you shall more than survive.

I heard Jack has a new girlfriend, and they moved up north. Perhaps close to the hill, but I don't know because I can't remember where it is, but where ever they are, it is my sincerest hope that the three of them live happily ever after.

--Becky Pedigo